actually, it’s the skin between my fingers.
it started at about 7:30 tonight and only stopped when i went into the kitchen. but then again, i could have just gotten distracted. regardless…
…8694536365*(%#$%!$%!%#5874523134!!!!!!!!!!
i haven’t taken any drugs since 6:00 this morning.
what could this be? some sort of reaction? don’t i have enough with the neuropathy?
oh…fuck.
i cut my nails again today. third time. only one bleeder. i should be thankful - but dayam it hurts!
my teeth are breaking and/or shifting - and as of right now, i cannot go to the dentist without some sort of decree. my mouth hurts (as it should) and is all funny.
everything tastes like salt. lotsa salt.
my nose is bleeding. my mouth is bleeding.
geico (great Web site - but even better customer service) cancelled my premium.
it takes me four times to do what an average person does, thanks to the brain cancer (which is doing well i’m told). or very weird reaction.
i miss little dog.
i go to the grocery. one day, i went to Rainier. that’s it since i got on the radiation bandwagon (which i’m off of, but i still hurt because of the chemo).
i need to get out.
but i get sleepy.
i’m off drugs. nurses don’t understand. “we don’t let anyone live with pain”. but i *WANT* to live with pain. so i will. occasional ibuprofin. it’s not like cannibal junior didn’t prescribe NSAIDS which the pharmacist had to call about!!!!
all in all, most people would want to die living the life i live.
but…
…i want to live.
…followed by 30ish minutes, followed by 15ish minute…
…followed by sleep.
after that, who knows.
…when i’m working???
after 3:00 - which is 6:00 your time please. except now. i’ve had chemo and adjusted my med again so i need to sleep. sorry - send an email, oh internet guru!
…she still gets sick.
and i get to watch.
the woman in the chair next to mine had a re-occurrance - only a few years after she was deemed “well”. she came prepared, to be sure. she walked around and talked like a pro - and she, like me, had her port taken out. (i guess infection is common - very common.) she did everything right - but she got sick. sick to the point where her blood pressure was initially so high it did not register on the little hoosy-whatsey - and a doc had to be brought in. oh, and she shook - most obviously her left arm, which was so shakey that it did a dance unimpeded depite her efforts.
she had to go home to an empty house.
she drove herself and didn’t or wouldn’t understand “taxi”. (”but i drove!”)
and i watched.
meanwhile, my own chemo went well. it’s taxotern that makes me sleepy. we proved that today. the couple that was very nice but very loud in their good-byes woke me up. during taxo. good thing is i have three weeks to get over wanting to smash cannibal jr.’s face in. maybe it will be sunny (or at least not raining) and i’ll get to wear heilump. i have two days, after all.
all in all, i don’t miss the port at all and wonder why it took them baby-time to remove it?
that poor woman.
i hope she’s well.
the name of my giraffe slippers.
hei (pronounced “he”) is the right side.
lump is the left side.
heilump.
…and giraffe slippers. that’s what fits. and they’re cute - they’re CUTE!!!!!
update on me:
close to c-mas i ended up in the er thinking and writing (very slowly) in english but speaking in what i found out was french. my friends on the east coast got me an ambulance. the head male thought i was drunk. the head female knew i was not (where did i hear that before???). net-net: i had a small stroke which required 15 very, very short sessions of radiation.
i have brain cancer.
i’m having a very bad reaction to something. i think it’s the arthro - which i had to take to get over the pain of the port removal - and residual pain - because everyone in oly and lacey was out of oxy. since, like ibuprofin, it’s an NSAID and has the same side effects, i’m taking ibuprofin now - weeks later. don’t ask.
chemo (finally) tomorrow. senior doc being more doc-like. junior doc being a futz. (she didn’t even remember to put the arthro in the computer. must have a new girl.)
i *heart* my boots and slippers (but my slippers more cuz they’re funny - and warm).
little dog died late in january. nothing to say, other than i’m going through a depression and he’s not here to help out. i miss him terribly and wake up crying from missing him. almost 17 years. tears. random tears.
i can’t get clean. my skin looks and feels like fish - and it’s everywhere. cannibal says it’s another reaction. all i know is baby oil only makes things worse. just call me pigpen.
i woke up on c-mas day completely bald (hair everywhere!!!) and 25 pounds heavier - seriously. thank goodness i wore something loose to sleep. when in doubt, eat cookies - and after i finished off mum’s cookies (which were sooooooo good) i made my own. coconut, brown sugar and a few choco chips. so there!!! and they were also so good. not as good, but pretty damned good!
everything tastes like salt.
the doc who put the port in had to be convinced to remove it. i did not know that the argument went so far. all i know is they hardly ever used the port because it was always infected. the taxi driver didn’t even want to take me to the grocery store - despite the fact it meant more money for him. he just wanted to take me home to sleep.
my sleep cycle is strange.
so is my dream cycle.
i keep dreaming of aw. it’s b&w. and brown. and green. mucky green.
mucky green. why in the hell am i dreaming of him?
upon having the port removed i, immediately, felt much better. the following day, though, i had to get the packing removed. s tried - to much screaming on my part. b tried with lidocaine with more success - but not without some screaming.
i’m not a screamer. really. not. a. screamer.
all in all it went ok. on saturday i did have to take 3 arthro to get through the pain, but that’s it. some days one. some days none. now i get ibuprofin. we’ll see.
for now, that’s it. more later. tomorrow. a week from now. a month from now. whenever.
i miss you.
i’m not dying.
today.
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