i feel like seagull poop. no, i feel like seagull shit. smelly.

last time I saw Cannibal, he told he was starting infusing me with zometa - and i should google it (favorite thing to say to me, but who can blame him as most of his clients are over 80 and don’t have internet access) to see if it’s for me. well, it’s not for me, no more so than alcohol is for alcoholics. do the nursies listen to me? not “no” but “hell no”. i got the zometa despite not wanting it. and they didn’t weigh me so they, most likely, gave me enough for someone of much more weight (like, 50 pounds more weight). so i’m falling all over the place and scaring olivia. and messing myself up to boot. (can you say “blood everywhere”???)

i’m glad i got laid off (although it was illegal for them to do that - bossie didn’t know the laws, especially considering i was working at least 42 hours every 4 days).

and i’m glad my neighour phoned social services! maybe now i can live out my life - and littler dog can live out a part of her life - in peace. hey, maybe i can learn how to use that rangefinder before i die.

i’m tired - and my hands are frozen due to the zometa.  even B’s blanket won’t warm them up. Littler Dog is doing her best to keep me entertained.

my head hurts.

…had the nerve, 2.5 years ago (but not seen in places i go), to issue “i’m sorry you have cancer” cards. last year, a gentleman wrote a book and included Hallmark’s blurb on why “I’m sorry you have cancer”.  just 6 or so months ago - just 6 months - one month after the review - the book came out in kindle.

to the guy who wrote the book “What Were They Thinking” (and you can either google him or pull him up on amazon, which has a great search engine): THANK YOU! nobody with cancer cares about those stupid cards - epecially those with Stage 4 cancer.

to the HALLMARK woman that wrote the cards: YOU IDIOT!!!!!!! tell HALLMARK, YOUR EMPLOYER, YOU HAVE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE!!!and get fired - which is what you deserve.

i don’t care about cards - especially those with no return address (which is ILLEGAL as of 11 september 2001). they got the card AND to break the law? anything that is hand-written with no return address goes in the trash. emails go in the trash - except if you’re a well-trusted friend, and then you might get a response in three or so weeks. send a note with the return address on it - and don’t send one of those “I’m sorry you have cancer”  HALLMARK cards.

i have to go to chemo now.

as you know (how could you not - unless you live in a snowdrift), october is breast cancer awareness month. bfd. we all know not to get me started on that one. but you can feel free to get me started on this:

breast cancer awareness spray tan

or this:

learn to knit for the cause

or this:

avalon pink ribbon totally not waterproof watch

ok that’s not funny at all - but a person who bought this also bought this:

no fair…you have to click the link

now *that’s* funny - and not necessarily something i would admit to, what with buying a totally not waterproof watch and all.

now do you understand when i say everything is out there getting on the bandwagon!

i’m going back to r & r now - and to count the days until this stupid month is over. i’ll be avoiding amazon until then.

yesterday evening, i took the time to write this post. my dear friend mary took time to respond with her opinion (scroll down the post and read - it’s very well written and worth your time and thought). i don’t, though, happen to agree with it - but to just say that and move on isn’t the right thing to do. instead i’ll explain.

this isn’t a bad case of the flu - something many people think. they think “hmmm..it’s been almost 5 months - ellie should be fine by now”. that’s not the case. again, this is not a bad case of the flu that, with proper drugs, nutrition and sleep, will go away as mysteriously as it came on. it’s not going to.

cure. does one exist? mary seems to think it would if corporate amerika (and the various foundation maybe) would stop cashing in on the disease. i’m not convinced of that. i’m more of the mind corporate amerika and various of the foundations are too busy taking the cash to even care about a cure - or the people handing over the cash. i won’t name names. you all know who i’m referencing. (and for those of you who have no internet savvy but like to think you do: if you do mention a name in a comment it will get published and it will be all over the internet in a matter of hours and you could be legally held liable for slander. keep that in mind - and get used to the fact this is a litigious society your pitty little salary and savings can’t fight - and this isn’t a norma rae situation.) and when breast cancer is no longer the disease du jour, it’ll all fall back into the shadows it came out of. you’ll still have spent all that money and people like me and i’ll still be sick - and, poof.

and unlike mary, i’m not going to say don’t shop for me or march for me or donate for me. (”me”, of course, not being me, but being an analogy.) i’m going to say don’t shop, don’t march and don’t donate until you do your research - and you’d better be good at it. once you do your research feel free to do what your heart feels is right. but don’t feel badly if your money goes for nothing but corporate profits, or to pad a coo’s pockets (or a sister’s pockets) - and certainly don’t feel badly if a cure doesn’t happen despite your effort. (but please don’t send me a teddy bear wearing a vest and a pink ribbon. there’s no way i wouldn’t be tempted to use him as target practice. besides, my zachy doesn’t wear a vest and a pink ribbon. he wears a skateboarder hat. and my boo boo doesn’t wear a vest and a pink ribbon. he waltzes around naked and likes it just fine.) and don’t feel badly if “thinking pink” really is nothing more than a colour thing that will be replaced by the next cool colour and whatever cause is associated with it.

mary and i see the same doctors. she’s been seeing them for a lot longer than i have. we have a lot of the same influence between us. but we also have a lot of different ones.

october is the “official” breast cancer awareness month. the month in which almost every product on the grocers’ shelves are emblazoned with that infamous, well loved (or well hated) pink ribbon. the month in which major corporations, ranging from auto manufacturers to cosmetic companies to food processing conglomerates come together, side by side, to fight the good fight, beat down the odds, change the odd, win with war, find the cure. the month in which every child in north america can dine on ribbon-shaped blue box dinner, every cook can feel good about herself buying (and using) her pink kitchenaid mixer, every business traveller can feel “aware” by flying one of too many airlines’ pretty pink “breast cancer awareness” planes (and in the case of delta be more proactive and buy a pink lemonade). the month in which absolutely anything for sale has a pink-ribboned version also for sale (always at a higher price) - and random “think pink” items appear everywhere from the big box stores to the chic boutiques (and with vague promises made to contribute proceed from the sale of said items to [insert foundation here - but usually the susan komen foundation, but we won’t talk about that]).

why?

is it because documented instances of breast cancer have risen to the point where they account for 1 in 7 diagnosis worldwide (and yes, that includes the populations of countries other than those on the target list).

is it because funds raised go to causes with track records of success?

or is it because pink is pretty - and everyone want to be pretty?

and why pink?

breast cancer is neither pink nor pretty - nor are the women afflicted with it prissy little lambs.

corporate amerika has taken the symbol of this deadful disease and turned it into a saleable commodity - and in the process added more coins its own already deep and inaccessible pockets not unlike scrooge in “a christmas carol”. and it did so at the expense of every woman, child and man that tries to do what (s)he feels is the humanly right thing to do: provide support so a cure can be found - and found quickly. buy buy buy. march march march. donate donate donate.

“Let’s not pinkwash proper discussion about this disease”

(the above is a url. click on it.)

we buy (even stupid little things that have no meaning whatsoever other than they don pink ribbons and look at us cutely). we march (2 days, 3 days - under the banner of an organisation that boasts only 10% of its overall revenue goes toward administrative costs..i guess they forgot their head honchos earn most of that 10% and the rest of the workforce is volunteer). we donate (by spending extra for that pink colour on that mixer, by giving over money to inanely named sub-charities, by buying a special edition of kraft dinner at $1.00 more a box because “that’s a dollar that goes toward research and finding a cure”).

so where’s the cure?

and why breast cancer?

and why pink?

sorry amerika, but thinking puke would be far more appropriate and honest.

the corporations are making money off of your honest efforts - and all you’re getting is dust-catching tchatchkes or funny shaped noodles.

the foundations are taking your money - and the money of your sponsors - and spending it in ways and means that don’t need to be made public.

the conglomerates are selling you incomplete information - and taking “x” but not giving the promised “y”.

there is no cure. only a promise as empty and useless as those ribbon-bearing tchatchkes or ribbon shaped noodles.

think puke, not pink. and after you’re through puking, start learning.