i cut my nails again today. third time. only one bleeder. i should be thankful - but dayam it hurts!

my teeth are breaking and/or shifting - and as of right now, i cannot go to the dentist without some sort of decree. my mouth hurts (as it should) and is all funny.

everything tastes like salt. lotsa salt.

my nose is bleeding. my mouth is bleeding.

geico (great Web site - but even better customer service) cancelled my premium.

it takes me four times to do what an average person does, thanks to the brain cancer (which is doing well i’m told). or very weird reaction.

i miss little dog.

i go to the grocery. one day, i went to Rainier. that’s it since i got on the radiation bandwagon (which i’m off of, but i still hurt because of the chemo).

i need to get out.

but i get sleepy.

i’m off drugs. nurses don’t understand. “we don’t let anyone live with pain”. but i *WANT* to live with pain. so i will. occasional ibuprofin. it’s not like cannibal junior didn’t prescribe NSAIDS which the pharmacist had to call about!!!!

all in all, most people would want to die living the life i live.

but…

…i want to live.

october is the “official” breast cancer awareness month. the month in which almost every product on the grocers’ shelves are emblazoned with that infamous, well loved (or well hated) pink ribbon. the month in which major corporations, ranging from auto manufacturers to cosmetic companies to food processing conglomerates come together, side by side, to fight the good fight, beat down the odds, change the odd, win with war, find the cure. the month in which every child in north america can dine on ribbon-shaped blue box dinner, every cook can feel good about herself buying (and using) her pink kitchenaid mixer, every business traveller can feel “aware” by flying one of too many airlines’ pretty pink “breast cancer awareness” planes (and in the case of delta be more proactive and buy a pink lemonade). the month in which absolutely anything for sale has a pink-ribboned version also for sale (always at a higher price) - and random “think pink” items appear everywhere from the big box stores to the chic boutiques (and with vague promises made to contribute proceed from the sale of said items to [insert foundation here - but usually the susan komen foundation, but we won’t talk about that]).

why?

is it because documented instances of breast cancer have risen to the point where they account for 1 in 7 diagnosis worldwide (and yes, that includes the populations of countries other than those on the target list).

is it because funds raised go to causes with track records of success?

or is it because pink is pretty - and everyone want to be pretty?

and why pink?

breast cancer is neither pink nor pretty - nor are the women afflicted with it prissy little lambs.

corporate amerika has taken the symbol of this deadful disease and turned it into a saleable commodity - and in the process added more coins its own already deep and inaccessible pockets not unlike scrooge in “a christmas carol”. and it did so at the expense of every woman, child and man that tries to do what (s)he feels is the humanly right thing to do: provide support so a cure can be found - and found quickly. buy buy buy. march march march. donate donate donate.

“Let’s not pinkwash proper discussion about this disease”

(the above is a url. click on it.)

we buy (even stupid little things that have no meaning whatsoever other than they don pink ribbons and look at us cutely). we march (2 days, 3 days - under the banner of an organisation that boasts only 10% of its overall revenue goes toward administrative costs..i guess they forgot their head honchos earn most of that 10% and the rest of the workforce is volunteer). we donate (by spending extra for that pink colour on that mixer, by giving over money to inanely named sub-charities, by buying a special edition of kraft dinner at $1.00 more a box because “that’s a dollar that goes toward research and finding a cure”).

so where’s the cure?

and why breast cancer?

and why pink?

sorry amerika, but thinking puke would be far more appropriate and honest.

the corporations are making money off of your honest efforts - and all you’re getting is dust-catching tchatchkes or funny shaped noodles.

the foundations are taking your money - and the money of your sponsors - and spending it in ways and means that don’t need to be made public.

the conglomerates are selling you incomplete information - and taking “x” but not giving the promised “y”.

there is no cure. only a promise as empty and useless as those ribbon-bearing tchatchkes or ribbon shaped noodles.

think puke, not pink. and after you’re through puking, start learning.

yesterday afternoon i went to the grocery to pick up some necessities, some things to experiment with (3 pounds of tofu anyone?), and some things just for the hell of it (sure - i absolutely needed that second quart of bolthouse farms mocha thingamagig that is so filled with sugar i would drink it and swing from the trees if tree swinging was an option) and encountered two cub scouts and their pack leader dad. hmmm…very early for the cubbies to be selling - but i couldn’t figure out why they chose thanksgiving time to sell in the past anyway, so the earlier date makes complete sense. anyway…they were cute enough and nice enough - but really didn’t exhibit much personality. regardless, we all spoke politely - and i agreed to come back when my shopping was done to make a purchase.

it should now be noted that i was wearing a hat yesterday afternoon. the rainy season appears to have come down on us - and i’m not a huge fan of random liquidy drop o’stuff falling on my tennis-ball head.

so i shopped, got the promised cash and went back out to see what i thought was going to be 3 very dull but polite people.

wrong.

mum and the daughter showed up. the cubbies either ate some kiddie crack - or daughter and mum pumped them full of sweetie sweets and sugary drinks in my absence. even stoic dad was acting more than a bit, ummmm, outspoken. yeah, that’s a good word to use for a man who tries to get people’s attention by shouting out silly phrases and the like. either that or he had a few beers hidden under the table - but i didn’t just say that. anyway…so we’re outside and talking and being stupid - and the littlest cubbie (about 7 i think - old enough to have some permanent teeth and an obvious sense of his unique self - but not old enough to be anything but a little kid) says something about the fact that he’s cold and i’m not because i’m wearing a hat.

so i asked him if he wanted me to take my hat off…to which he responded in his best cheek holding “home alone” immitation

“aaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”.

the rest of the family went silent, until the daughter whispered “that was a terrible thing to say”.

mom demanded he apologise to me. dad slunk away. the other cubbie, i think, might have crawled under the table or something because he disappeared from site.

i burst out laughing until tears ran down my face.

so i said to mom “no need to apologise” - and took on the kid.

“you know i’m sick, right?”

“right!” (he was such a definitive thing to boot.)

“and you know the drugs that will make me better make me bald, right?”

“right.”

“so you know i’m bald, right?”

(and this is where i had no choice but to get a heartwarming, squishy feeling)

“oh i was just teasing you. you can take the hat off.” (see above re definitive - and throw in some double duhs.)

so i asked the cubbie what kind of popcorn he likes - and he told me - so i bought some and handed the box to him.

and he looked at me with such a happily surprised look on his little adorable face i wanted to melt into the sidewalk.

note to parents: your kids are not stupid. they’re just really short and undereducated. so educate them. eventually the short thing will wear off naturally.

note to kids: once you’re educated, spend some time educating your parents. just because you’re short doesn’t mean you don’t know anything. in fact, you know far more than most people give you credit for.

note to all: do a good deed daily: educate someone. and if you happen to be gainfully employed and in possession of some disposable income, buy some popcorn and give it to a cute cubbie. lordy knows you don’t need it - and the scouts will be grateful for it.

…is cancer-free do dah do dah. Stephanie is cancer-free oh do dah day!

CONGRATS cancer chic(k)! I’m beyond happy for you. may the blessing keep coming your way. and please keep encouraging other women to kick the big c’s ass just as hard and fast and with as much style and finesse as you did. you’re my superhero. now a favour, please? while you’re out celebrating have a drink for me, please? something festive would be nice - but since you’re the “re-birth day girl” i’ll leave it up to you.