1-800-Hire-a-Spouse
i need a husband. and a wife.
i think i have a critter in the kitchen. i’ve never seen it - and there are no food-related incidents going on - but every once in a while i hear something clicking about on top of the refrigerator and tapping on the mondo bag of croutons that’s living up there. normally and as a renter i would just phone the landlord and have him deal with it. james, my former landlord in raleigh, will vouch for that. (at one point when i was living there i swear the only thing not taking up residence in the attic was a family of otters). my current landlord is a landlady who, with thomas her life partner, owns a construction company. given the economic changes that have taken place over the course of the past few months, she’s had to take on an extra job - and i really don’t want to bother her during what little free times she’s got. (i’d rather save that for the next time something major happens - like the sewer backs up into the house again.) so i need to hire a husband to wrangle the critter. and clean the garage.
i have some household chore that need attention. it’s not that i can’t clean for myself and Little Dog. i can. i do. but i’ve got better things to do with my feel good time than have to focus any of it on mopping or scrubbing or anything like that.
i have cooking that needs to be done. my diet these days is pretty limited, so it’s not like i’m talking about elaborate meals. i’m talking some packs of veggies with healthy sauces to keep in the freezer for those times when all i want to do is press the start button on the microwave. oh and maybe some pot stickers. and enchiladas. other times, well, i’ll cook for myself. it’s not that i don’t know how.
i’ve been communicating with a woman named a about this all. she’s coming by this afternoon to assess things. if all works out well i’ll ask her to marry me. and if things work out really well and should the time come, i’ll ask her to be my caregiver.
so by the end of the afternoon half of the couple will be complete.
maybe a knows where i can hire a husband.