thisismydisease.com

people are so excited i’m finally wearing footwear other than randomly purchased slippers come on, folks, you didn’t just love those toggle red fleecy things - or the ones with the lumberjack lining) that pictures have been demanded. since all of this has happened pictures haven’t been at the top of my list of things to do (breathing comes first, followed by eating something that tastes remotely not yuk) - but i have the following to offer:

black toemales are simple

pumpkin mary janes are keen

i’m still extra pleased with the simple shoes - but the keens kinda hurt - which is so odd considering they’re the fourth pair of keens i’ve ever purchased, and none of the others ever needed break-in time. oh well, i’m sure they’ll be just fine if i keep wearing them. it’s only my left big toe - so maybe a little soaking of said shoe in bubble-filled water is in order? ok the bubbles are selfishly for me - but if i have to put a shoe-clad foot in water, it may as well be bubbled. meanwhile…

i purchased sesame sticks and aminal crackers (among other things) in the fm organic bulk bins. the sesame sticks are extremely salty - and the aminal crackers have this odd sense of maple. now granted i do like maple syrup (pure only - none of that mrs. butterworth’s stuff, although she is cute on the geico commercial) - and i don’t dislike salt (sea or kosher only - no substitutes), but it has to be in very small quantities. i might have to have amber taste these. it might be me - or it might be what things actually taste like.

i’m tired. it’s been a long day. i’m feeling good - but a little sleep  might be in order.

i tried to open my sil’s package today. i know, from yesterday, it was going to require a garbage bag for the peanuts alone - and gods know what for the packing paper. i geared up for it. i planned for it. i got about 1/3 of it done before i had to both abort the mission and crawl into the wedge to relax it all off. at the rate i’m going, i might have the whole thing done and fully open by sunday night. i hope there’s nothing melty in there. or alive. that would stink. actually, it should, so i guess i’m back to only melty.

it’s beddy bye time. i need to breathe into my little tube, finish my drink, and nod off into sleepy land.

oh and speaking of drink, all this milk can’t be good for me. oh well. the gogi berry ended up across the room with a substantial amount of force. milk has never done that. what’s a little full fat, weight gain and whatever else organic milk has to offer?

nighty folks.

a few hours ago, i had chance to watch a documentary about three fast food chains and how the grew from tiny,  one-off shops to world-wide conglomerates. it was interesting in some boring friday night respect - but the one thing brought to light that caught my eye was…

…mcdonalds has the best french fries.

this simple phrase was uttered by some boring, unmemorable fast food historian. (huh? how does one become one of those  - and what does one major in at college to become such a thing?)

but it’s true.

i haven’t had mcdonald’s fried in more than two years - but i remember exactly how they taste and crave them, miss them, want them.

there’s a mcdonalds about a mile from here.

i’m sure there’s a reason why i don’t just mosey on day and get some.

i have money. cash money - so it’s not like i’d have to pay by debit.

i need the calories - and they have the calories.

but they’re all empty.

but who cares?

maybe later today i should just stop thinking and rationalising and go get some. and while i’m there…

…maybe i should have a vanilla shake.

now i think i had a mcdonalds vanilla shake once - and if i recall correctly it made me rather ill. but for some reason i want one.

biggie fries and large vanilla shake.

i  should do that.

just like i should have those pancakes i’ve been craving for breakfast for years.

i don’t like pancakes.

i’ve had one mcdonalds vanilla shake in my life.

i haven’t had mcdonalds fries for years.

but i should have them anyway.

what’s the worst that can happen - more broccoli?

so i have a bunch of little bits of snacky foods i keep near the wedge for those time when i want something to munch. although the qfc bag is a lovely neutral colour, it’s more than just a bit too big hold the snackies i have around.

while perusing amazon one day i happened upon lefty the munchler. cute! very cute - but more so, very practical. so since i was already ordering the supplies for my latest experiment i bought him. he arrived today.

lefty (or spoodle, as he likes to be called) is just the right size for the many little bits of many snacky foods i keep around. he’s really durable, fully recyclable and a smile maker. all is well, right?

well, no.

apparently the pooch is too small for even a little kid’s lunch. or so the comments on amazon say. to that i say…

what the hell are american mothers feeding their kids?

spoodle is large enough to, easily, hold a full sandwich, a juice pack, some goldfish crackers and a bag of sliced up fruit. maybe some little chocolates, too. apparently this isn’t enough food. the bag is too small because the kids need more food. the seams split from the bag being overstuffed.

i wonder if the kids’ seams split from all the food they’re being overstuffed with?

so spoodle is right next to me filled up with little bits of cereal, goldfish crackers, smartees (can you believe i found a source for smartees?) and the other varied things i keep about. i’ll miss the neutral brown but overly large qfc bag, to be sure. but spoodle makes me smile. all the qfc bag does is remind me to take out the trash. maybe i should donate it to one of the kids whose mums think the munchler is too small?

somedays are potato broccoli cheddar soup days. today was one of them. and although it was a feel really good day it was also a “take care of this and that” day, so i didn’t really have the time or inclination to swish and swoosh things in pots for hours. so i took the cheater’s way out:

1 permapack organic chicken broth
1/2 bag frozen potatoes o’brien
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground pepper (or to taste)
2 pinches nutmeg
5 shakes choulala sauce

throw everything into a 4-quart crock pot and cook on high for 1 1/2 - 2 hours (until the potatoes are done but not falling apart).

place contents into a blend safe container and blend fully.

add the following:

1/2 cup sour creme or plain, greek-style yogurt (can be low fat)
2/3 cup creme cheese (can be light or low fat)

blend fully.

return contents to crock pot.

add the following:

2 cups sharp cheddar cheese
3/4 bag steam select broccoli spears, cooked for 5 minutes in the microwave

mix well.

cook on low for 1 hour.

serve immediate or set crock pot temperature to warm and serve whenever.

granted this is not the most low-fat meal in the world (even if made with low fat ingredients) - but sometimes you just have to give in to your cravings and say the heck with it.

…come from plastic cows?

i don’t drink a lot of coffee. two mugs a day - each of which is filled about one third of the way with creme (and a tiny bit of raw sugar, thanks to the fact chemo makes the bitter nearly unbearable - and the albuterol makes everything chemo makes taste bad taste even worse). even with drinking such a small amount i go through a lot of creme - so i decided to try my luck with some nondairy creamers in order to save both money and my waistline.

my first foray into nondairyland was good. the creamer was one of those special editions - dulce de leche. it had a unique and very pleasant flavour and was sweet enough, but not too sweet. of course because it was a special edition i was never able to find it again. that’s when things started getting scary.

the second bottle - some sort of caramel thingie - ended up in the trash after one day. i’m not sure that it had a flavour other than SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR!!! i like a little coffee with my creme - not my sugar.

the third bottle, a special edition (but apparently not as special as the dulce de leche because i can find it) hershey’s chocolate thingamajiggie, was ok, but so unmemorable i don’t remember it.

the fourth bottle, chocolate marshmallow, tastes like chocolate-infused liquid plastic would smell if such a thing existed - and has so many calories my two mugs today came out to 400 calories. coffee + real creme + sugar does not come to anywhere near 400 calories for two mugs.

the fourth bottle is half finished. i’ll finish it up - but then it’s back to real creme with raw sugar.

and if nondairy creamer does come from plastic cows - and plastic cows are put out of jobs because of my decision i’m sorry. you can come live in my backyard.

…golfing in the rain
what a soak-soppy feeling
i’m muddy again

it’s a rainy sunday here in golf course land. the ducks are vying for greenspace with the golfers (who, once again, have had their cushmans taken away) and swimming in the ponds that are randomly forming. the geese are lining up on the other side of the green plotting their next steps. and the golfers themselves are trudging along, club bags slung over lumpy shoulders, muddied by the soil and swinging clubs at golf balls that look more like cow chips than anything else. who needs tv when this much entertainment is right in my backyard (literally)?

today is also the day of the reunion of the former students, faculty and administrators of dear old HCC. i didn’t go. i left it open when i was invited since it is such a day by day thing with me, but a big part of me is glad i chose not to make the trip. i want to see the “kids” for sure. (well, most of them, that is. i can live the rest of my “this life” without ever seeing the handful of privileged little shits whose parents should have been banned by law from breeding.) as far as the former faculty and administrators go, well, i’m sure that 99% didn’t attend. no…i chose not to go because, frankly, i’ve still got a horrible taste in my mouth over what happened to the college - and am still not convinced that its closure wasn’t an event many years in the planning. truth be told, the closure was the best thing that could have happened for the kids. they had their little worlds pulled out from under them and were forced out of the comfort of scenic everett washington and into big new worlds. because of this so many of them are now employed by companies they never ever would have applied to - and living in places they never would have considered - if still comfortable. the horrible taste is with regard to a certain few individuals who more resemble repo men (and women) than academic and business professionals. either that or the ones in question truly are and were dunces.

so with the weekend just about over it’s time to think about the work week (in case some of you are unaware yes, i am employed and working). what needs to definitely get done. what need to possibly get done. what needs immediate attention. what just needs attention. what the chances of my colleagues occasionally paying attention to me are.

on the cancer front, i have to drop by cannibal’s office and pick up a prescription for oxycodone, take it to the pharmacy - then either wait around for it to get filled (while standing on the very reason i’ve got the prescription) or drive home and come back minutes or hours later. now doesn’t that sound like fun?

(don’t you find it curious that in this cancer blog i spend most of my time bitching about a rare side effect of one of the chemos instead of bitching about the cancer itself? hmmm…maybe that should give you a clue.)

during the time i’ve been writing this post i managed to consume a quart of potato cheddar (but no broccoli because i’m all out) chowder. that, most likely, wasn’t a good thing - but it certainly was tasty (wonder of wonders). so what’s a little lead feeling in the belly anyway?

little dog is snoozing off his dinner. the night is new and prime for relaxation, reading and a bubble bath. all is well with the moment.  here’s to its staying that way. and here’s hope your night is as good as mine.

as you know i spend a lot of time being consumed by my cravings which, as it seems, are far scarier than those of pregnant women.

i think i hit a totally new low last night.

pretzels. had to have super pretzels. no way around it.

freezer jam. raspberry freezer jam. had to have raspberry freezer jam. no way around it.

thankfully, it all worked out in the end.

in case you’re interested, fresh-baked super pretzels dipped in raspberry freezer jam taste yummy.

i can go to sleep satisfied now. after i lick the last of the freezer jam off the plate.

soup is one of my relatively safe foods - but i don’t always have the time or energy to make homemade. and campbells doesn’t cut it (except when i’m craving it badly - like i did at 5:30 this morning). here’s a little something i threw together the other day that worked out extremely well. it’s quick. it’s easy. and it requires no brains. what could be better?

1 four-cup permapack organic beef broth
1 pack green giant immune boost vegetables - thawed but not steamed
2 handfuls homemade egg noodles
pepper (to taste)

(1) Throw it all in a pot.
(2) Cook on medium until noodles are tender.
(3) Enjoy!

what could be easier? ok take-out *could* be easier, but…

with all the pain and hassle of walking these days, i spend a lot of time just sitting and thinking. with the chemo and the narcotics, though, those thoughts can be rather random or, at least, non-sensical due to their impossibility.

but let’s say there’s no such thing as impossible.

and let’s say random isn’t. so with that in mind…

…the perfect day.

let’s say, in reward for good behaviour, the deities grant me a perfect day: a day in which i can walk without pain (and maybe even wear shoes - but i won’t be greedy), have hands that work and don’t hurt and aren’t ookey looking, taste buds that don’t malfunction and no mouth sores, feel relaxed, look good, have energy to burn - basically be me, but fortified. and let’s say money is no object. and distance means nothing. my perfect day is mine for the taking.

what would that day be?

well i thought about it long and hard - so here’s my day:

the “event” will take place in a modest yet lovely house somewhere on the coast (hornby island maybe, or oregon). the kitchen, though, will be huge and have every possible pot and pan and small appliance and gadget - and a viking stove - and a sub-zero refrigerator/freezer. i’ll be there with b and her two sons, c and her four, n with or without her teen terrors (her choice), and other b (who would also be feeling great). husbands will be outside doing hubby things (smoking some pork shoulders or turkeys, preparing the grill for later, you know, stuff like that) and planing some activities for six boys under the age of 12 to partake in (read “get tired and placid from”). m will drive up in her convertible (with or without kids and grandkids in tow, her choice). pets will be milling about playing with the boys or digging in the sand or snoozing on the porch. and we’ll be cooking copious amounts of food together. no menu. no specific cuisine. just lots of yummies for everyone by everyone. and we’ll cook and snack and cook and snack and field little boys and cook and snack some more. and at some point the guys will don their guy aprons and commence their grilling war. when the sun starts to set, we’ll light torches and candles on the table on the porch - a table large enough to accommodate the herd and serving plates of everything. and we’d eat, drink some very fine wine and home-brewed sodas, eat, talk, laugh, sneek the pets their share, eat, talk and laugh some more. and when the clock turns to midnight it’ll be done and we’ll be back in our respective days-to-day.

the perfect day.

my perfect day.

and if you think it’s odd i’ve thought this out remind me to tell you about the 72 calendar hours (save for sleep time) i spent trying to decide if a web site i found was stellar or stupid.

my new assistant (a much more appropriate name than cleaning/cooking helper), amber, started today. she arrived at 10:00 and proceeded to clean this place even better than the folks my landlady hired to do the move-in clean. the floors are spotless. the knicknacky things are dust-free. the kitchen counters are uncluttered and crumb-free. and the floors are…

…slick.

for me this isn’t a problem. i tend to drag my feet around most of the time anyway so it’s actually helpful. it’s a problem, though, for little dog.

little dog has been slip ‘n sliding all over the place. he’s done a few that have gotten him a number of feet across the hardwood. he’s smacked into a few walls, though. thwunk. at one point he landed flat in the kitchen and decided getting up was too much effort - so he slid himself around on his belly. it was comical to watch - and he seemed to enjoy it. right now the stress of a new person coming into our lives coupled with the usual stress associated with little dog himself has him snoring next to my desk.

he’s so cute.

it’s his only saving grace.

amber will be back in two weeks to clean again - and cook yummies for me to keep in the freezer. first go ’round will be potstickers and sauces for steamed veggies. that way, on those days when i don’t feel like cooking, i won’t have to resort to stouffers (or worse).

this is cool.