She fought a brave battle with breast cancer but in the end she succumbed to the deadly disease. Eileen had chosen to deal with the disease her own way. She leaves behind many friends and family who loved her and will miss her dearly.
i feel like seagull poop. no, i feel like seagull shit. smelly.
last time I saw Cannibal, he told he was starting infusing me with zometa - and i should google it (favorite thing to say to me, but who can blame him as most of his clients are over 80 and don’t have internet access) to see if it’s for me. well, it’s not for me, no more so than alcohol is for alcoholics. do the nursies listen to me? not “no” but “hell no”. i got the zometa despite not wanting it. and they didn’t weigh me so they, most likely, gave me enough for someone of much more weight (like, 50 pounds more weight). so i’m falling all over the place and scaring olivia. and messing myself up to boot. (can you say “blood everywhere”???)
i’m glad i got laid off (although it was illegal for them to do that - bossie didn’t know the laws, especially considering i was working at least 42 hours every 4 days).
and i’m glad my neighour phoned social services! maybe now i can live out my life - and littler dog can live out a part of her life - in peace. hey, maybe i can learn how to use that rangefinder before i die.
i’m tired - and my hands are frozen due to the zometa. even B’s blanket won’t warm them up. Littler Dog is doing her best to keep me entertained.
my head hurts.
i want everyone who has never had a horrible disease or cancer to undertake chemo. see how YOU feel watching every moment of your life - and being sleepy - and being sick. and i hope you ENJOY waking up at 2:00 am and staying that way for 10 - 12 hours, exhausted but unable to sleep. and i hope you LIKE eating every 2 - 3 days.
i want you to hurt like i do because that’s the only way you’re going to learn. or not. maybe you’re so self-obsessed that nothing can hurt you, and you think you’re immune to everything that is less than how you see it to be: perfect in your mind.
I want you to hurt like i do.
i want you to hurt.
and facebook people (i hate “peeps”), notice how the beginning of this blog post resembles a facebook post? well it’s because there is not one piece of software or ria that i can find that will handle it all. soon…but not now.
i’m gonna go snuggle littler dog.
…do people call just after 3:00 to “announce” the doc can’t see me at the designated time - then after 7:00 have the answering service phone back with the original time?
sort of.
i had them run the dexi for an hour (instead of 30 minutes), in the hope that i wouldn’t sleep so much two days later. well, i didn’t sleep so much - only 8 hours - but not 8 consecutive hours. two hours here, two hours there. thankfully, Dewey (the book, that is) was around and kept me company. it really is a wonderful book. you should read it.
in other events, i have a gummy bandaid on. the nurse - one of my favourites - did not believe that i spurt. oops. i hope i didn’t get her in the eye. now i have to find replacements - and learn how to apply them.
and olivia is coming for a visit! little dog, little dog! i hope this helps. i’m feeling better than last time - but i’m not feeling that good right now. maybe cannibal will give me a break.
somehow, i threw the alarm. now you never think about alarm clocks, but i had no choice but to, given the fact that after not ringing at all it rang at 2:30ish am regardless of what time i set it for. i ended up buying a little one - only one ringer and sound. let’s see how this works. and hope i don’t throw this one.
thwump. thwump. thwump. golfers don’t know how to golf - which is why my front yard looks like a playground. front yard. that’s right - front yard. not back.
sun showers. sun with rain. annoying! i went outside to get the water bottles and got deluged. now my socks are wet - and i’m too lazy to change them.
and to the box that was supposed to arrive NEXT week but arrived on the 29th: you’re lucky. just lucky.
stage 4 cancer sucks. this whole ordeal - which has gone on for almost a year - isn’t nearly as cute and cuddly as a new baby, or puppy, or kitten. it’s a lot of hard work.
i’ve had to shut off my bedroom phone to sleep (and yes, i do sleep).
i’ve had to shut off my bedroom phone to work (and yes, i do work).
i’ve had to shut off my bedroom phone.
but olivia is here and loving life. well, as much as a ten-year-old can love life. she’s relaxing in the living room and due to go out for her potty break. she has some issues - but nothing that can’t be taken care of by my vet. she likes syddie’s bed. i was going to get her a new one, but she likes his. he didn’t. she’s really a little dog - only 12 pounds. but cute. pictures coming soon!
i need to sleep, but olivia will keep me awake. somehow, i think she’s just the ticket.
later…
well, olivia didn’t keep me awake. she stayed in syddie’s den. didn’t eat. didn’t drink. she’s back so far i can’t reach her.
smart girl.
or dumb.
whatever.
later…
i fell today. well, not really *fell* but went down on my knees and couldn’t get up. i had to crawl over to my white chair to get up. embarrassing, yes. but more humiliating than embarrassing. now i’m all crunchy.
truly, i cannot tell when someone is going to get sick during chemo. for the longest time nobody got sick - then two people in two consecutive treatments. one older woman coming back, and one younger guy starting (i think). the older woman required a doc - and she was trembling so. the younger guy should have but did not accept doctor’s services.
we don’t even talk about the young woman - a non-patient - eating eggplant parmasian - something i would love to be able to eat but can’t because it tastes horrible to me, the nearly-vegetarian. and she was rude.
he had a fever of 102. they gave him tylenol.
well, that’s it for now. have to go coral the doggie. and sleep (despite the fact my new alarm is 8 minutes fast and can’t be adjusted - i should have read the recent reviews) .
…but i still can’t eat much of it (only two miniatures per day).
my ears itch…but this will pass (i have the cut on my knee to prove that).
i cannot force myself to eat save for every three days (and doing so requires me to take prilosec and results in severe heartburn) - but at least i can eat sometimes. and i do take vitamins.
i have a headache.
the taxi driver was an hour late.
i met a guy who’s also open source. we laughed about centOS.
i slept, off and on, from thursday evening til saturday evening. so much for a holiday.
i have a headache.
…had the nerve, 2.5 years ago (but not seen in places i go), to issue “i’m sorry you have cancer” cards. last year, a gentleman wrote a book and included Hallmark’s blurb on why “I’m sorry you have cancer”. just 6 or so months ago - just 6 months - one month after the review - the book came out in kindle.
to the guy who wrote the book “What Were They Thinking” (and you can either google him or pull him up on amazon, which has a great search engine): THANK YOU! nobody with cancer cares about those stupid cards - epecially those with Stage 4 cancer.
to the HALLMARK woman that wrote the cards: YOU IDIOT!!!!!!! tell HALLMARK, YOUR EMPLOYER, YOU HAVE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE!!!and get fired - which is what you deserve.
i don’t care about cards - especially those with no return address (which is ILLEGAL as of 11 september 2001). they got the card AND to break the law? anything that is hand-written with no return address goes in the trash. emails go in the trash - except if you’re a well-trusted friend, and then you might get a response in three or so weeks. send a note with the return address on it - and don’t send one of those “I’m sorry you have cancer” HALLMARK cards.
i have to go to chemo now.
actually, it’s the skin between my fingers.
it started at about 7:30 tonight and only stopped when i went into the kitchen. but then again, i could have just gotten distracted. regardless…
…8694536365*(%#$%!$%!%#5874523134!!!!!!!!!!
i haven’t taken any drugs since 6:00 this morning.
what could this be? some sort of reaction? don’t i have enough with the neuropathy?
oh…fuck.
i cut my nails again today. third time. only one bleeder. i should be thankful - but dayam it hurts!
my teeth are breaking and/or shifting - and as of right now, i cannot go to the dentist without some sort of decree. my mouth hurts (as it should) and is all funny.
everything tastes like salt. lotsa salt.
my nose is bleeding. my mouth is bleeding.
geico (great Web site - but even better customer service) cancelled my premium.
it takes me four times to do what an average person does, thanks to the brain cancer (which is doing well i’m told). or very weird reaction.
i miss little dog.
i go to the grocery. one day, i went to Rainier. that’s it since i got on the radiation bandwagon (which i’m off of, but i still hurt because of the chemo).
i need to get out.
but i get sleepy.
i’m off drugs. nurses don’t understand. “we don’t let anyone live with pain”. but i *WANT* to live with pain. so i will. occasional ibuprofin. it’s not like cannibal junior didn’t prescribe NSAIDS which the pharmacist had to call about!!!!
all in all, most people would want to die living the life i live.
but…
…i want to live.
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